Puttin' it out nookie style

Hey there! How are you? Enjoying the holiday season? Glad to hear it. Okay, enough of that. Let me tell you a little story.

Long ago, there was an author who self-published her books. She was an essentially lazy person and bitched and moaned throughout the entire process. "Ug!" she proclaimed regularly. "Now I have to make a cover? A COVER? I already wrote the fucking book! Goddammit that should be enough!" It also didn't help that she was crap at cover design. But finally, at last, another idiom that means "it took a long time but got done," she made all her books available for Kindle. 

Months later, after she had somewhat recovered from this harrowing experience, she decided to put her books out in a paperback version. The hellish torture began again. Oh it was hellish. Picture hell. Do it. That's what it was like. But she sludged through it until it, too, was done.

But she knew she wasn't really done. No. There was fucking Barnes & Noble with their goddamn Nook. Why, god, why? she asked. And also there was the aforementioned holiday season. She knew that people would be gifted Nooks, and they would want to buy books for them. And she wanted people to buy her books. So she knew, even as she shook her fist at the sky, that she must, goddammit fuck all, make her books available for Nook.

But oh the torture she remembered from her last two endeavors. Torture, I tell you! Her father-in-law's house burned down (no joke!) and she thought, "If only I'd been in that house and died in the inferno, I wouldn't have to do this Nook thing." But luck had not been on her side, no blaze of fire took her life, so she bit the bullet and, this part was particularly painful, created a bn.com account. Then she logged into Pubit and steeled herself for misery.

Fifteen minutes later, she'd uploaded all four of her books and was done with nary a thing to complain about.*

And that's the news from here! Books now available for Nook!

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*Of course she found some things to complain about. Look who were talking about here.

Looky! A post! With three (count 'em three!) points!

Paul just asked yesterday (yesterday!) if there will ever be any more posts here. Little did he know (probably due to lack of updates!) that I was waiting for something particular to happen, something (in my opinion) newsworthy, and last night it finally happened:

Point #1!  I've now sold 1000 books.

Okay, so no, I'm not exactly taking the world by storm with my little novels, but 1000 books is 1000 books, and I for one did not expect this to happen, maybe not ever, although certainly not this quickly. But, now that I've said that, let me tell you that I had a fantastic August. I couldn't believe how many books I was selling. That's when I made the plan to write a post once I hit 1000 books, and I thought that would be sometime in September. Then September sales sucked ass. And October is shaping up to be even worse.

WHAT THE FUCK, AUTUMN?

Anyway! Thank you to everyone who has bought one (or more) of my books. I appreciate it. Really, really I do. Mostly because I like love want to get naked with okay perhaps TMI let's go back to like money!

But wait, there's more!

Point #2!  All four of my books are now available in paperback.

This was kind of a pain in the ass, and in case you're wondering, the e-versions of my books are outselling the paperbacks by... oh, something like 50-1. And I make more money off of the e-versions. But I'm glad to have them out there as paperbacks, and I do have to say that getting those proof copies, holding actual physical versions of my books in my hands... It was pretty heady stuff.

There can't possibly be another point. But there is!

Point #3!  The Lesbrary reviewed Chasing.

The one thing I suck at One of many things I suck at is self-promotion. The only task I set for myself, as you might recall from my last post way in the distant past, was to get some reviews of my books. Then I didn't do a goddamn thing about it because I'd rather put drops of vinegar in my eyes than do any sort of soliciting of anything.* I'd identified the Lesbrary as an ideal site to ask to review Chasing months ago, but it wasn't till I got drunk one night that I actually sent them an email and asked if they'd consider it. And then it got reviewed! If this isn't a sign that I should spend more of my time drunk, I don't know what is!

Yeah, so that's, um, all my points. Whew. Now I can write something pointless.

Something pointless!

You might have noticed that I've been rather scarce around the internet. I have not been commenting on your blog, and I am sorry for that. Trust me when I say that you are not the only person I am letting down these days. It's been a tough summer for me, autumn doesn't seem to be getting much better, and I find myself pulling back more and more into myself. In other words, it's not you, baby. It's me. Also, you are so pretty.

So, Paul, here is an update. When the next one comes along, I'm not sure, but one will, one of these days.

*Except hookers!

Oops, I did it again. And then deleted it.

(I accidentally deleted this post. Can't seem to reinstate it exactly, but I was able to go back and copy it. Lost all your lovely comments though, goddammit.)

The fourth and final book of my series, Caught, is now available for purchase.

I have accomplished what I wanted to accomplish. The books are out there. I both think and hope that people will enjoy them. But, of course, for people to enjoy them, they have to become aware of them so my work is not done. My first priority is getting at least twelve reviews for Chasing. (Why twelve? Because that's what Ms. Marshmallow says.) I also need to update this website and possibly even change its structure. The front page should probably be some version of "I GOT BOOKS TO SELL!" and this writing blog should get tucked away--you know, where only the cool kids like you will know where to find it.

It's interesting that the front page of amazon.com today is about author Jessica Park finding a place for her book--and success--with Kindle Direct Publishing (KDP). Particularly interesting was this quote: "22 of our top 100 best-selling Kindle books so far this year are KDP books." I don't see my books becoming one of those 22, but it's nice to know that this platform works and works pretty damn well. 

I haven't let myself think seriously about new story ideas--I was determined to finish what I started with this series first. But now... now I'm thinking about new stories, and it's exciting...

Thanks for being on the ride with me for the writing of books 3 and 4, as well as all my angst about how to publish my series, and let's not forget my continuous bitching about editing. Your support has meant more to me than you know. 

And then there were three

BAM. Book #3 of my series is up. Go ahead and get Landslide too. 

What the hell has gotten in into me, right? I edited this book in a weekend. A WEEKEND. (Be sure to tell me about all the typos I missed.) My explanation is that I've had this mild stomach bug for the past couple of days, and it hasn't been debilitating, but it has made it so that I don't want to do anything at all, so why not edit? Which I did. I edited my ass off. Or maybe that was the nausea. I'm pretty sure I lost a pound or two, and my ass certainly had it to spare.

Is it possible that book #4 will get done this month? It's more than possible. It's likely at this point.

I AM THE QUEEN OF ALL THINGS.

Buy this other book too

Yeah, I did it. I said I would, and I did it. Book 1, Chasing, and now book 2, Echoes, are published. IN JUNE. Dammit, I'm impressive. What's that you say? You haven't published two books in the last two weeks? You're wondering why not? It's not your fault. The thing is that I am better than you.* That's all. Nothing you can do about it, so relax.

Anyway! I've been meaning to write a post about the portrayal of sex in books/tv/movies etc, and that post will be amazing and much more interesting than all this self-congratulating I'm doing these days, but I can't stop myself from self-congratulating. I am an ego-maniac! Have I mentioned that I published two of my books in the past couple of weeks? Not to go on and on about my amazing abilities and then beat you over the head with my success, but I will tell you that I have made tens of cents off of Chasing, so the sky's the limit folks. Soon I'll be able to buy a gallon of gas! A WHOLE GALLON!

The sex post will be written one of these days, but while I can still force myself to edit, I'm going right on to book 3. I am an animal!

Oh, and before I forget, Todd Newton, author of The Ninth Avatar and Thomas Redpool Goes to Hell, interviewed me on his blog. If you want to learn more about me (of course you do!), check it out.

*This does not apply to Ms. Marshmallow who has likely written three new books during the 2-3 weeks I spent editing.